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THE LIGHTER SIDE OF R4MAC
(Atas permintaan ramai, saya akan hanya delete jokes yang ada jika perlu sahaja.)


Posted on March 23, 1999

(Pernah dengar Syair Siti Zubaidah? Ini versi baru…….syair Siti Hasmah. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup atau yang mati. Tapi ada kaitan dengan orang hidup yang tak ingat mati…..happy reading)

Aduhai suami yang kusayangi
Berdarah mamak campuran hindi
Mahather Mohamad Iskandar Kutty
Nama origanal di dalam IC

Dengarlah kanda resah di hati
Melihat kanda berubah aksi
Seperti beruk kehilangan bini
Bila mendengar REFORMASI!

Kanda kulihat gundah gulana
Apakah angkara anakanda kita
Bermain judi tewas sahaja
Lalu dirompak harta negara

Atau kanda bencikan dinda
Kerana dinda semakin tua
Semakin kedut kurang jelita
Kepala botak bertudung cemara

Tapi kanda jangan temberang
Rahsia kanda sudah terpampang
Kanda juga mata keranjang
Marina Yusop yang kasi bilang

Duhai kanda yang dikasihi
Mamak bendahara Perdana Menteri
Janganlah kanda ikutkan hati
Marahkan kelambu nyamuk yang mati

Marah itu mainan syaitan
Kelak diri jadi tunggangan
Seperti keldai sarat muatan
Kehulu kehilir sesat berjalan

Kanda kulihat seringlah murka
Timbalan kanda menjadi mangsa
Dihina dikeji setiap masa
Dicanang disiar seluruh negara

Fitnah diguna jadi senjata
Timbalan dituduh liwat dan zina
Tak cukup betina jantan diguna
Orang gila pun tak percaya

Apa kurangnya Seri Perdana
Istana baru mahu dibina
Tersergam indah di Putra Jaya
Harganya mencecah RM200 juta.

Duit rakyat habis dirompak
Untuk belanja anak beranak
Suku-sakat semakin boyak
Kroni-kroni semakin bontak

Rakyat dikerah jimat belanja
Menabung duit demi negara
Tapi kroni melompat suka
Duit rakyat dikaut semua

Dinda musykil di dalam hati
Melihat teori konspirasi
Siapakah dalang siapakah kaki
Merancang fitnah selama ini

Apakah angkara Rahim Tambi Kici
Serta Daim dan kroni-kroni
Atau si gendut bernama Sanusi
dan penjilat punngung Ibrahim Ali

Wahai kanda hendaklah ingat
Umur kita semakin singkat
Jangan sampai dikata rakyat
Mahather nyanyok buang tabiat

Oleh: Siti Syair (Oktober1998)



Posted on March 17, 1999

After becoming the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mahathir paid a visit to Suharto who was then the President of Indonesia. During a private conversation he asked Suhaorto, "Pak Harto, how did you manage to become so rich?" Suharto explained,"Oh it is simple Pak Mahathir. Whenever I go to the state coffer I take out all the money and draw a line on the ground. Then I throw up all the money. Whatever falls in front of the line is the rakyat's and whatever falls behind the line is mine." Mahathir was excited with what he heard and exclaimed "Briliant idea!"
After 10 years the two met again. This time Suharto asked Mahathir,"Pak Mahathir, how is it now that you are so rich? In fact now you are richer than me." Mahathir replied "Oh it is easy. Everytime I go to the state coffer I draw a line in the air. Then I throw all the money in the air. Whatever falls below the line is mine and whatever remains above the line belong to the rakyat!"



Posted on March 16, 1999

Top 10 comments made on the death of siTenang:
10.  Abdullah Badawi, "Jabatan Haiwan akan dikerah supaya bersikap mesra terhadap dugong." - Harian Metro.
9.   Justice Paul, "Irrelevant. The death of the dugong was beyond the government's jurisdiction". - The Star.
8.   Sanusi, " Kita akan adakan kempen mengurat dugong." - RTM1.
7.   Samy, "I shed tears for the dugong." - The Sun.
6.   Najib, " Biologi Dugong akan diperkenalkan dalam KBSM & KBSR." - NTV7.
5.   Ibrahim Ali, "UMNO will sue the dead dugong's family for embarassing the government of Malaysia." - TV3 News.
4.   Dr. M, "The wound on the dugong was ..apa nama.. self inflicted." - NST.
3.   Megat Junid, " Ibu dugong tu janda ke?" - Majalah Mangga.
2.   Rahim Nor, "Dugong tu "provoke" saya. Dia kata saya ni bapak anjing laut." - URTV.
1.   Ghafar, "Dugong? Dugong tu apa? Makanan dalam tin ke?." - Berita Harian.



Posted on March 15, 1999

More Toastes...

If Ibrahim Ali was to make toasters...
You have to buy them in sets of five, for each slice of bread to pop out and jump into every one of them, depending on the most suitable temperature.

If Pak TurutLah was to make toasters...
He would make sure that each one comes with an operating manual, and the buyer must promise to follow instructions before he can buy the toaster.

If Rahim Noor was to make toasters...
You have to bang it with your fist for the bread to pop out, and the toast will always be burnt black.

If Mahathir was to make toasters...
Mahathir would never make toasters because he thinks that bread blackens by itself.

If Tok Mat was to make toasters...
He would compose a song; 'Guna toasters, Sayang toasters' and air on all TV channels evert 10 minutes.

If Megat Joned was to make toasters...
Megat Joned does not make toasters. He buy USED ones. *grin*

If Nordin Sopiie makes toasters...
His advertising slogan would be "Enough is enough! Why burn your fingers trying to rip-off the bread like Mat Taib! Dr. M use our toasters and look how many people he has fried!"

If Ali Abul Hasssan makes toasters...
He would have kept 100,000 of them in his office, just to convince ACA that he keeps 100,000 of all his wife's things in the office.

If Rafidah makes toasters...
It will be sold on buy-one-get-one-free basis. But only if you have a son-in-law.

If Daim makes toasters...
He would have used other people's money, and then convinced PM to amend UMNO's constitution to include his toasters to replace membership cards.

If Anwar makes toasters...
It will be big enough for Mahathir and all his cronies to be put in it for the Rakyat to toast them like the electric chair.

~From MalaysiaNet~



Posted on March 13, 1999

Three men, Megat Junid, Daim and Ghaffar Baba were sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decided to allow each to take with him whatever he wants. Megat said, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly agrees, and Megat took  his newest wife and heads off to solitary. Daim said, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and off goes Daim with his telephone. Ghaffar pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punched the buttons for a few minutes. He then announced, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me." The judge agreed, and off went Ghaffar with his cigarettes.

After 15 years they open Megat Junid's cell, and out came Megat with his wife and 18 children: "It wasn't so bad...." Daim emerged and announced he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone. Ghaffar then came out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a match?"



Posted on March 12, 1999

Latest News

Lately, the safety of Dr. M seemed in jeopardy and he is now closely guarded by the famous and notorious PDRM (reknowned for their success in convincing the bear apprehended by them to become a rabbit!).When David Watts of The Times London asked him about the matter, it is quite a surprise that, he is not afraid of the rising reformist in Malaysia, or even DSAI will take revenge for what he have been done, but rather something else. And here is his answer that really really shock the world;

David Watts: For the sake of the world, tell me who is the person, you are afraid most and why?

Dr. M:  I just afraid that Ibrahim Ali will become the prime minister!

End.

Mat Bayot
LONDON, UK



Posted on March 10, 1999

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Azizan made toasters...
The toaster can toast up to 15 breads at any one time. Instead of putting the bread through the slot at the top like a normal toaster, users have to put the bread through slots at the bottom. The buyer of this toaster will not remember how much the toaster costs and where did he/she bought the toaster.

If Mahathir made toasters...
The toaster would be the biggest in the world in line with 'Malaysia Boleh' slogan. The launching of the toaster would be live on RTM1, RTM2 and TV3. The cabinet would declare it only costs the government RM89.90. Harakah would run a story on the toaster stating the actual cost of the toaster is between RM10million to RM12 million. After a big hu-ha in the parliament, the cabinet costs would be revised to RM99.90 to include the power cord.

If Samy Vellu make toasters...
Everyone have to pay 50 cents for each bread toasted. This rate would be increased next year to 60 cents. He would declare that the 10 cents increase is very small. So small in fact that 'nak beli rokok pun tak cukup'. Whoever does not want to pay the 50cents, don't have to toast their bread.

If Augustine Paul made toasters...
Any question relating to his toaster would be irrelevant. The specifications of the toaster is inadmissible and the media are told not to publish the details.

~Ulu Rrrrrompin~



Posted on March 7, 1999

Yusuf Yes a.k.a Yusuf Noor went to a bookstore in London and was looking for a magazine. A salesgirl approached to assist him. "I'm looking for the magazine Vogiu," said Yusuf. "Pardon me sir, but we dont have such a magazine, " explained the girl. "Yes, you have one. My friend Hamid Othman said he bought Vogiu here", insisted Yusuf Yes. After a while he saw the magazine on a rack and said to the salesgirl "There, I told you this shop has it. My friend Hamid cannot be wrong one". Yusuf took a copy of the magazine Vogue. The salesgirl smiled and explained to Yusuf " Well, actually sir the spelling V-O-G-U-E is pronounced Vog and not Vogiu. Just like R-O-G-U-E is pronouced ROG and not ROGIU. That's why I  didn't understand your request just now." A visibly upset Yusuf Yes snapped back at the girl, "Just shut up lah. Dont arg arg with me!". He was trying to tell the girl not to ARGUE with him.



Posted on March 5, 1999

Tun Daim Zainuddin pergi ke klinik Dato' Seri Dr Mahathir untuk mendapatkan rawatan sakit kerongkong.
"Dato Seri," kata Tun Daim Zainuddin, "kerongkong saya teramat sakit setiap kali saya makan."
"Ah, itu mudah sahaja ubatnya," jawab Dr Mahathir.
"Apa yang perlu saya buat," tanya Tun Daim Zainuddin.
"Jangan makan," jawab Dr Mahathir.

Isa-Hasan



Posted on March 4, 1999

Berikut ialah panduan yang dikeluarkan oleh Kementerian Kebudayaan, Kesenian dan Pelancungan kepada ejen-ejen pelancungan bagi membantu pelancung cacat penglihatan tetapi ingin melawat tempat-tempat menarik di Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur;

1. Anda berada di Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman jika anda mendengar laungan RE-FOR-MA-SI, RE-FOR-MA-SI...
2. Anda berada di Kompleks Polis Bukit Aman jika anda mendengar bunyi BAM, BAM...(seperti bunyi tumbukan ke mata hingga lebam).
3. Anda berada di Masjid Jame' Kuala Lumpur jika anda mendengar laungan DOWN DOWN MAHATHIR, UP UP ANWAR...
4. Anda berada di Kg. Baru jika anda mendengar laungan UNDUR MAHATHIR UNDUR, UNDUR MAHATHIR UNDUR...
5. Anda berada di Bangunan Mahkamah jika anda mendengar suara berulang-ulang NOT RELEVANT, NOT RELEVANT...
6. Anda berada di PWTC jika anda mendengar orang berkata MY BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT, MY BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT...

Isa-Hasan


Posted on March 3, 1999

Dunia Dalam Bahaya

Perjumpaan tergempar diadakan di UN di mana Clinton, Yeltsin dan Dr M diberitahu oleh NASA bahawa mereka mengesan satu tahi bintang yang amat besar telah terpesong dari laluannya dan akan melanggar bumi dalam masa 24 jam mengakibatkan kemusnahan sejagat.

Clinton meninggalkan tempat itu untuk mengadakan sidang akbar lalu memberitahu rakyat Amerika, "Saya ada berita baik dan buruk untuk anda semua. Berita baik ialah ada kuasa yang lebih tinggi di dunia ini. Berita buruknya pula Dia akan memusnahkan planet ini dalam masa 24 jam.

Yeltsin juga tergesa-gesa meninggalkan tempat itu dan memanggil mesyuarat politburo lalu memberitahu, "Saya ada berita baik dan buruk untuk anda semua. Berita baik ialah sebenarnya ada kuasa yang lebih tinggi di dunia ini. Berita buruknya pula Dia akan menamatkan riwayat hidup kita semua dalam masa 24 jam.

Dr M meninggalkan tempat itu lantas mengumpulkan semua kroninya dan berkata, "Saya ada berita baik dan buruk untuk anda semua. Pertama sudah terbukti sekarang bahawa saya adalah antara 3 pemimpin ulung dunia. Rakyat Malaysia harus berterimakasih atas pengiktarafan ini. Perkara kedua, tak perlulah untuk kita bersusah payah mengadakan mesyuarat agung UMNO atau pilihanraya umum lagi selepas ini.

Kais Pagi

Posted on March 2, 1999


One day Ummi Hafilda felt that she was terribly overweight. She went to see Dr. MM and Dr. MM put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Ummi returned, she shocked Dr. MM by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the Dr. MM said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ummi nodded.  "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."



Posted on Feb. 25, 1999

Dengan membawa beg 'briefcase' berisi wang 10 juta ringgit Tun Diam Fulusdin, menteri kewangan negeri Bolehsia  pergi kesebuah bank untuk menyimpan wangnya. Sampai dikaunter bank seorang kerani bank menyapa beliau, "Ada apa-apa yang saya boleh tolong tuan?"  "Ya", jawab Tun Diam. "Saya nak simpan duit saya sebagai fixed deposit. Tapi saya nak tahu berapakah interest yang akan saya terima setiap tahun?" Kerani bank menjawab, "Untuk tahun pertama tuan akan menerima 7%, tahun kedua 8%, tahun ketiga dan berikutnya tuan akan menerima 10%." "OKlah kalau begitu saya akan datang semula pada tahun ketiga." jawab Tun Diam sambil berlalu meninggalkan bank.

Isa-Hasan



Posted on Feb. 24, 1999

At an international gathering of world leaders, Mahathir happened to meet an African Head of State.

MAHATHIR:  Hi, there! Your Excellency, this sure is a nice party with so many prominent and distinguished people.

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  Yes, it is, and some of the people here seem to have such outstanding professional and academic backgrounds.

MAHATHIR:  So what is it you do for a living before you entered politics?

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  I was a professor at the University.  I taught deductive reasoning.

MAHATHIR:  Deductive reasoning, what is that?

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  Let me give you an example.  Do you have a doghouse at the back of your house?

MAHATHIR:  Yes.

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  By that I deduce you have a dog.

MAHATHIR:  That is right.

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

MAHATHIR:  Right again.

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.

MAHATHIR:  Correct!

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

MAHATHIR:  Yup!  Always been.

AFRICAN HEAD OF STATE:  That is deductive reasoning.

MAHATHIR:  Cool.

Some time later when Mahathir returned, he met Anwar.

MAHATHIR:  Hey!  I was talking to this African Head of  State at an international gathering of world leaders.

ANWAR:  Is he a nice guy?

MAHATHIR:  Yes, and before his is elected, he has an interesting job.

ANWAR:  Oh, yeah, and what does he do?

MAHATHIR:  He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

ANWAR:  Deductive reasoning, what is that?

MAHATHIR:  Let me give you an example.  Do you have a doghouse?

ANWAR:  No.

MAHATHIR:  That's it! I've proven you're a homosexual.



Posted on Feb. 21, 1999

Rahim Tambi Chik, Megat Junid and Ummi Hafilda went to the casino at Genting Highland. They decided to take a taxi to avoid being recognized by the public. After spending the night gambling they discovered that they had no money left to pay the RM60 taxi fare back to KL. Megat asked Rahim and Ummi, "Alamak, we've got no more money. How do we pay the taxi fare to go home?". Rahim thought about it and whispered to Megat, "Why dont we just sell Ummi?". Megat looked at him and whispered back, "That sounds like a godd idea". He took a look at Ummi and  turned back to Rahim and said "But then we'll still need to find another RM55".



Posted on Feb. 20, 1999

BETA VERSION

Al-kisah, pada satu hari semasa di padang mahsyar, Mahathir dengan Bill Gates diberikan keizinan tuhan untuk pilih orang masuk syurga dan neraka sebab Mahathir seorang pemimpin agung Melayu manakala Bill Gates usahawan Amerika paling berjaya.  Mahathir dan Bill Gates pulak kebetulan kawan semasa perjumpaan-perjumpaan International Advisory Panel untuk MSC.

Jadi, satu persatu manusia dihakimi oleh Mahathir dan Bill Gates, ada masuk syurga ada masuk neraka.  Takde yang keluar masuk balik sebab takde keputusan yang diubah-ubah.

Tup tup giliran Musa kena bicara.  Mahathir dengan Gates senyum dan pilih Musa masuk syurga.  Musa happy.  Selang 5 minit, tiba-tiba Musa keluar dari syurga dan dihumban ke neraka sebab keputusan perbicaraan diubah.

Giliran Ghafar kena bicara.  Sekali lagi Mahathir dan Gates senyum dan pilih Ghafar masuk syurga.  Ghafar happy semacam.  Selang 5 minit, Ghafar keluar tergesa-gesa dan dihumban ke neraka sebab penghakiman diubah.

Giliran Anwar pulak kena bicara.  Gates senyum tapi Mahathir buat selamba dek.  Walaupun begitu, mereka setuju Anwar masuk syurga.  Selang 6 minit, malaikat dah halau Anwar dari syurga masuk neraka sebab mereka ubah keputusan.

Ibrahim Ali yang belum dibicara terpinga-pinga dan bertanya, “Kenapa ketiga-tiga orang Timbalan Perdana Menteri yang tak kurang jasanya pada negara Musa, Ghafar dan Anwar, tak layak masuk syurga?”

Mahathir jawab, “Chait,  how come you are the only one who cannot understand?   Can’t you see they are all BETA VERSION in my lifetime?”  Gates tergelak.
 

DEMO VERSION

Satu hari di hari kiamat, tuhan perintah Gates tunjuk realiti neraka dan syurga pada Mahathir, Rahim, Ibrahim dan Anwar.  So, Gates tunjukkanlah.  Ketiga-tiga Mahathir, Rahim dan Ibrahim tengok syurga boring sebab terlalu aman tenteram, dan tengok neraka pulak excited sebab ramai orang terlunjak ke sana kemari.  Anwar pulak lain cerita. Tengok syurga, gembira dan tengok neraka, sugul.  Sampai masa, Mahathir, Rahim dan Ibrahim berlari-lari masuk neraka, manakala Anwar masuk syurga.

Selang beberapa detik, Mahathir, Rahim dan Ibrahim panggil Gates, “Woi, kau dah tipu aku la.  Hari tu kau tunjuk neraka ni exciting.  Kenapa sekarang tak?”

Bill Gates jawab, “Isyhh, lu tak tahu ke? Hari tu aku tunjuk DEMO VERSION, yang betul-betul punya lain.”  Anwar tergelak sakan.

- adimaya -



Posted on Feb. 19, 1999

Seorang wartawan hiburan telah menemuramah seorang artis terkenal untuk mendapat pandangan beliau tentang sikap orang-orang politik terhadap artis tempatan.
"Apakah pandangan saudari tentang sumbangan Tan Sri Rahim Tamby Chik dan Dato' Megat Junid kepada artis-artis tempatan?" tanya  wartawan memulakan temuramah.
"Merekalah orang politik paling prihatin terhadap kebajikan artis-artis tempatan," artis menjawab.
"Boleh saudari terangkan," tanya wartawan untuk mendapat penjelasan.
Artis menjawab, "Tan Sri Rahim Tamby Chik suka artis BARU, manakala Dato' Megat Junid pula suka yang TERPAKAI."

Isa-Hasan



Posted on Feb. 16, 1999

As a new deputy minister at the Prime Minister's Department, Ibrahim Ali was asked to handle the Y2K problem. Below is his memo to the PM responding to the latter's instruction to resolve the problem:

To:

Dato Seri Mahathir Mohammad,
Prime Minister.

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because this Y to K problem  makes no sense to me. Be that as it may, I have completed the conversion  of the  calendar for the year 2000, per my understanding of the  instructions.

The months now read as follows:

 Januark
 Februark
 March
 April
 Mak
 June
 Julk
 etc.

Please let me know if there is ankthing else that needs to be done in preparation for the kear 2000.

PS. Samk Vellu, Sked Hamid Albar,  Kusof Noor had also been instructed to change their name card and IC.

Obediently Yours

Ibrahim Ali



Posted on Feb. 12, 1999

Umi Hafilda & Azwan were in a remote area of Pahang, and Umi was driving. She gets pulled over by a policeman.
The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" Umi Hafilda turns to Azwan and asks, "What did he say?" Azwan yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The policeman says, "May I see your license?" Umi Hafilda turns to Azwan and asks, "What did he say?" Azwan yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." Umi Hafilda gives him her license. The policeman says," I see you are from Taman Sri Keramat, Kuala Lumpur. I spent some time there once saw the ugliest woman I have ever seen." Umi Hafilda turns to Azwan and asks," What did he say?"

"HE BELIEVES HE SAW YOU BEFORE," Azwan yells.



Posted on Feb. 11, 1999

Pada satu hari Mahathir, Mohtar Abdullah, Rahim Noor, Rafidah dan Daim telah pergi bersiar-siar dalam kereta Mahathir. Cuaca hari itu agak terik. Tiba-tiba kereta Mahathir rosak di sebuah jalan sunyi. Dia pun menyuruh mereka yang bersamanya memikirkan sesuatu  berfaedah untuk dilakukan.

Rahim Noor telah mencari tali dan kain penutup mata, takut-takut kalau tiba-tiba ada penjahat datang. Mahathir telah mengambil cermin sisi untuk digunakan membuat isyarat jika ada kapalterbang lalu. Daim pula mula berfikir di mana nak bina plaza tol. Si Rafidah mengeluarkan tayar kereta untuk dibakar supaya dapat digunakan sebagai isyarat asap.

Tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi "Krak!". Semua mereka berpaling dan melihat Mohtar mencabut keluar pintu kereta Mahathir. Mereka menjadi hairan dan Rafidah menengking kepada Mohtar, "Hoi Mohtar, apa engkau nak buat dengan pintu
kereta PM tu?". Mohtar menjawab,"Bila cuaca dah terlalu panas nanti boleh aku bukakan tingkapnya".



Posted on Feb. 10, 1999

THE STUPID AZIZAN

Azizan Abu Bakar is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when he hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. So he asks the devil, "What's going on?" The devil says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos." Azizan says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." The devil says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." Azizan answers, "That's okay. I've already got a hole for that."



Posted on Feb. 8, 1999

TOO LATE POPE

There was a mix up in heaven and as a result Rahim Tamby Chik was put in heaven and the pope was put in hell. After 24 hours, the angels realized their mistake and quickly corrected it. On his way to heaven, the pope met Rahim being taken to hell. He said to Rahim, "I'm looking forward to see VIRGIN Mary in heaven". Rahim replied to him, "Oh..oh, I'm afraid you are 24 hours  late."



Posted on Feb. 5, 1999

Rahim Noor Vs. Mike Tyson

Tan Sri Rahim Noor bekas Ketua Polis Negara akan menceburi sukan tinju. Beliau yang lebih di kenali sebagai 'the bounser KPN' atau kaki pukul terhadap tahanan-tahanan polis dan banduan-banduan penjara telah menceburi arena tinju profesional setelah meletakkan jawatannya sebagai Ketua Polis Negara tempoh hari kerana memukul Dato Sri Anuar Ibrahim.

Rahim 'The Bounser' Noor (nama baru beliau) telah mencabar 'Iron' Mike Tyson untuk bertarung dengan beliau bagi peringkat World Heavyweight Title (WHT) dengan jumlah pertarungan sebanyak 1 billion US. Seperti selalu Mike Tyson telah di taja oleh Don King manakala Rahim Noor akan ditaja oleh Daim Zainudin dengan menggunakan duit 1 Bilion US yang dilarikan oleh beliau ke Switzerland tempoh hari.

Dalam sessi sidang akhbar, Rahim Noor dengan 'confident' dan angkuh sekali mengatakan beliau akan dengan mudah menumpaskan Mike Tyson dan akan menundukkan lawan beliau dalam pusingan pertama! Beliau berani berkata demikian berdasarkan rekod-rekod cemerlang beliau menumpaskan lawannya (tahanan polis & banduan) sebelum ini. Seorang wartawan asing yang cuba mempertikaikan rekod tersebut telah di tengking oleh beliau. Rahim di petik memekik, "YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, COME INTO MY ROOM!".

Hari perlawanan pun tiba. Loceng pun di bunyikan. Sebaik saja melangkah kedalam gelanggang tiba-tiba BOOMMMMMM!!!! satu tumbukan ceduk (uppercut) di lepaskan oleh Mike Tyson hinggap tepat ke dagu Rahim Noor. Rahim terpelanting ke penjuru gelanggang dan tidak sedarkan diri. Mike Tyson menang dengan pukulan K.O.

Dalam sidang akhbar beberapa jam selepas perlawanan tersebut, wartawan-wartawan telah mengemukakan soalan bertubi-tubi kepada Rahim Noor tentang kekalahan beliau, sedangkan beliau telah mengatakan yang beliau dapat menumpaskan Tyson dengan mudah. Rahim terus menangis sambil berteriak, "SEBAB MEREKA TAK IKAT TANGAN DAN MATA DIA!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!", berkali-kali.

1. Akibat dari kekalah itu Daim Zainudin telah menaikkan bayaran tol PLUS (milik beliau) bagi menampung kerugian yang di alami.

2. Dr. Mahathir pula dalam Berita TV3 berkata, "Perlawanan tersebut tidak adil kerana seseorang itu tidak boleh dipukul, sehingga dia
terbukti di pukul, ini satu konspirasi!".

3. Muka depan akhbar tempatan "RAHIM BOLEH!"

4. Muka depan akhbar Harakah "RAHIM BOLEH!, BOLEH BLAH!"



Posted on Feb. 4, 1999

Otak UMNO Paling Mahal

Seorang pesakit barah otak telah dimaklumkan oleh doktornya bahawa otaknya sudah tidak dapat diselamatkan. Oleh itu, doktor itu mencadangkan supaya dilakukan pembedahan pemindahan otak. Pesakit itu pun dibawa ke sebuah bilik untuk memilih otak-otak yang ada.

Doktor itu pun menerangkan kepada pesakit itu, "Otak ini sebelum dimiliki oleh seorang saintis. Harganya ialah RM1,000. Yang ini pula sebelum ini adalah otak seorang peguambela. Harganya RM5,000. Yang ketiga ini ialah otak seorang bekas ahli MT UMNO. Harganya RM100,000."Pesakit itu terkejut mendengarkan harga otak ketiga yang begitu mahal. Dia pun bertanya, "Kenapa otak bekas ahli MT UMNO mahal sangat?". Doktor itu menjawab, "Oh.. Otak ini belum pernah digunakan".



Posted on Feb. 2, 1999

Teknologi Baru Telefon Bimbit

Sebuah syarikat telikomunikasi antarabangsa yang beroperasi di Amerika Syarikat telah berjaya menghasilkan sebuah handphone baru yang berupaya mendail pemanggil dengan hanya pemanggil tersebut mengingat nama orang yang hendak di hubunginya (brain memory command). Dengan sekelip mata handphone tersebut telah menjadi sebuah produk yang begitu laris di dunia mengalahkan telefon arahan suara (voice command) yang mendapat permintaan tinggi sebelum ini.

Dato Dr. Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohamad pun tidak ketinggalan untuk memesan 5 buah unit untuk menggantikan handphone voice commandnya. Satu untuknya, untuk Sanusi Joned, Megat Jonet, Ghafar Baba dan Ibrahim Ali. Tujuannya ialah untuk membolehkan beliau menghubungi mereka secara rahsia agar tiada orang boleh mengetahuinya.

Setelah menerimanya dan menyerahkannya kepada 4 orang suruhannya itu, beliau pun mencuba telepon itu. Orang pertama yang dihubunginya ialah Megat Jonet. Walau bagaimana pun Megat Jonet tidakdapat di hubungi.“Tak apalah, mungkin talian sibuk atau Megat sedang menggunakan telefon” kata Mahathir. Beliau pun mengingatkan nama Ibrahim Ali dalam kepala otak beliau (yang bergeliga itu). Juga tidak dapat di hubungi. Perkara yang sama berlaku kepada Sanusi dan Ghafar Baba.

Dengan itu Mahathir membuat keputusan yang telefon yang dibelinya itu ada kerosakan. Dengan menggunakan pengaruhnya, beliau dengan segera memanggil pakar yang mencipta telefon itu dengan segera datang memeriksa telefon-telefon tersebut.

Setelah di periksa, pakar tersebut merasa begitu hairan kerana telefon-telefon tersebut berada dalam keadaan baik. Mahathir masih tidak berpuas hati dengan mengatakan memang telefon-telefon tersebut sememangnya rosak. Yang anehnya apabila telefon tersebut di beri kepada orang lain, ianya boleh digunakan.

Akhirnya pakar tersebut telah mengetahui punca sebenar masalah itu. Sebenarnya bukan telefon-telefon tersebut yang rosak tetapi keempat-empat orang yang Mahathir cuba hubungi itu tak ada OTAK!



Posted on Feb. 1, 1999

WHAT PROBLEM?

Three candidates sat for an exam to decide who's the most suitable to become Malaysia's finance minister. They were a banker, an accountant and Daim Zainuddin. The exam question asked them "What problem exist when the outflow of fund is more than the inflow?". The banker answered, "The problem is an overdraw". The accountant replied "The problem is a deficit." Daim Zainuddin looked up and asked, "What problem?" Mahathir immediately hired him.



Posted on Jan. 29, 1999

Once upon a time, Ummi Hafilda, Ristina Majid and Ziela Jalil were stranded on a deserted island. After a few months of waiting to be rescued, Ummi Hafilda found a bottle. She took off the cork and a genie came out of the bottle. The three were excited as they knew that  the genie can make their wishes come true.

The genie told them that he can grant each of them one wish. Ristina was the first one to make a wish. She wished that she can go back to her dental clinic. There was a flash and Ristina found herself back at her clinic. The next to make her wish was Ziela. She wished to be in Hollywood in bed with Rowan Atkinson a.k.a Mr. Bean. There was flash and Ziela found herself in bed with Rowan (and his teddy bear of course). Then came Ummi Hafilda's turn. She said to the genie, "Oh, I'm so lonely here. I'd like my friends back." There was a flash and Ristina and Ziela found themselves back on the island with Ummi. The genie was gone by then.